The Mega Lie
Dear Mars, Incorporated:
You have made a grown man cry. You have brought a 26 year old man to tears simply by the sheer magnitude of the disappointment you have caused me.
What is it, you ask, that has caused such sadness in my heart? Oh, I think you already know. But just in case, let me be very direct: It's your new Mega M&Ms. Have you seen them? I know it seems silly to ask if you have actually seen a product that you produce but I ask again anyway: Have you seen your new Mega M&Ms? I don't think you have, because you certainly would have noticed that these aren't of a "mega" size. In fact, they are really only slightly larger than a regular M&M.
Mars people, I know what you're thinking right now. "You're exaggerating, Adam. It's 55% larger than a regular M&M. 55%! That's huge! You wouldn't want 'em any bigger!"
Oh, but I would.
In order, from left to right: a regular M&M, a "Mega" M&M, a peanut butter M&M and a peanut M&M. The Mega M&M is the second smallest M&M that you make!
It hurts to even think about how low I felt when I first saw that these were anything but "mega." But please, don't even worry about my sadness. No Mars, think of the children. Think of the boys and girls all over the world, opening Mega M&M packages, hoping for a candy that melts in neither their mouth nor their hand because it's just too dang big for either, only to have their little hearts broken by a surprisingly tiny piece of candy-coated chocolate. Don't let this disappointment continue. You have to do the right thing; make the Mega M&M truly "mega." For the children, Mars! For the children!
Update: It seems that Mars doesn't want you to know the truth!
You have made a grown man cry. You have brought a 26 year old man to tears simply by the sheer magnitude of the disappointment you have caused me.
What is it, you ask, that has caused such sadness in my heart? Oh, I think you already know. But just in case, let me be very direct: It's your new Mega M&Ms. Have you seen them? I know it seems silly to ask if you have actually seen a product that you produce but I ask again anyway: Have you seen your new Mega M&Ms? I don't think you have, because you certainly would have noticed that these aren't of a "mega" size. In fact, they are really only slightly larger than a regular M&M.
Mars people, I know what you're thinking right now. "You're exaggerating, Adam. It's 55% larger than a regular M&M. 55%! That's huge! You wouldn't want 'em any bigger!"
Oh, but I would.
In order, from left to right: a regular M&M, a "Mega" M&M, a peanut butter M&M and a peanut M&M. The Mega M&M is the second smallest M&M that you make!
It hurts to even think about how low I felt when I first saw that these were anything but "mega." But please, don't even worry about my sadness. No Mars, think of the children. Think of the boys and girls all over the world, opening Mega M&M packages, hoping for a candy that melts in neither their mouth nor their hand because it's just too dang big for either, only to have their little hearts broken by a surprisingly tiny piece of candy-coated chocolate. Don't let this disappointment continue. You have to do the right thing; make the Mega M&M truly "mega." For the children, Mars! For the children!
Update: It seems that Mars doesn't want you to know the truth!
Labels: food
3 Comments:
What in the balls? How do they have the gall to pull that off?
Did ... did you get another bag, for verification purposes? I mean, maybe you just got an "off" batch. Maybe.
Adam -
As you should know from hanging around Steve so much lately, an increase in size is often exaggerated by referring to the increase in volume. The disappointing reality is that even a significant-sounding increase in volume corresponds to a much less impressive cube root increase in length.
A 55% increase in volume corresponds to 1.55^.33, or about a 16% increase in linear dimension. This appears to match your photographic evidence.
This exonerates Mars (and Steve) from accusations of lying, but not from the great disappointment they have created out of nothingness by setting expectations too high. Might I suggest that you get Steve to hand-make a large M&M for you?
I am finally coming foward with this information from an undisclosed location because I am in hiding. It seems that Mars, the maker of M&M's, has a team of assasins out to kill me to keep me from going public with the information I have about the conspiracy to release the a sub-standard "MEGA M&M's" candy product & that Mars executives knowingly designed an M&M that's size fell far short of the "MEGA" standard... I had a good friend who worked at the M&M factory. There was quite a buzz among the employees on the factory floor prior to the first run of the so-called "MEGA M&M." So much so that my friend confided in me his pending excitement of being appointed Quality Control Lead on the assembly line for the new "MEGA M&M's" candy product. This was a big step up the ladder for my friend & he wanted to be very dilligent at making sure that this product line would be up to snuff when it came to the "MEGA" label. He continued to update me on the progress of the M&M factory's upgrade in machinery to accomidate the much larger M&M. When the assembly line rolled out the first batch my friend rejected every single so-called "MEGA M&M" for insufficent size. He told me that he brought this problem to management & they said they were not going to ship any of the "MEGA M&M's" from the first batch because the new machinery needed some final adjustments before the "MEGA" size could be achieved. He told me that he suspected something was up. He told me that the next few batches came out the same bigger, but not big enough, size. He also learned that the sub-standard "MEGA M&M" product batch runs were being shipped to stores anyway. One day he came over to my apartment & told me that he found out that the machines were working as designed. He also found out that Mars executives always planned to release an only slightly larger M&M under the "MEGA M&M" name to increase profits (and their saleries as well. Hhhhhhmmmmm?). He told me his intention of threating management with blowing the whistle on this sham if they didn't either remove the "MEGA" label from store shelves from the first batch runs & to increase the size of the M&M produced to meet MEGA standards. That was the last time I saw him because the very next day he went missing... A few days later I survived an assasination attempt from those hired by Mars executives. My friend must have been broken by torture & told them that he told me the truth about the so-called "MEGA M&M's." They came for me so this information could never reach the public ...I must continue to evade these assasins so now up to you to let others know the real story.
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