Life on a Chain

A chain link license plate frame is an attempt to tell the world you're a bad ass, no? "You can't contain me, dawg! Not even thick metal chains can contain me! My other car is a tank with a big ass gun on the front. And my mother could kick your mother's ass." And so on.

So if you have a chain link license plate frame you have to drive your car appropriately. Feel free to rev the engine occasionally. If anyone looks at you funny just point to the rear of your car, they'll get the idea. Run through yellow lights. Ignore yield signs. ("ME, yield to YOU?! no no no, I don't think so!") Drive fast on local roads, even if there are kids around. Seriously, these things are all okay thanks to your license plate frame.

But with this new found freedom comes great responsibility. You cannot drive like a sissy. Think of them chains, kid! Here is an incomplete list of things you cannot do now that your car is officially labeled as tough juice.

AS A CHAIN LINK LICENSE PLATE CHAIN DRIVER YOU MUST NOT:
1. Drive just at or below the speed limit in the far left lane on the highway.
2. Slow down as you approach a green light at an intersection.
3. Accidentally leave your blinker on with no intention of turning.
4. Constantly tap on the breaks. You've got a need for speed!

And yet I've recently witnessed all of these happen at the wheels of chain link license plate frame drivers. For shame, you posers!

Or perhaps they were confused. Maybe they had intended to get into their other car, which has this license plate frame:


In that case, the above rules don't apply. With this license plate frame you can drive as you wish, you just have to do it all fancifully and with a little bit of flair.