Chipotle Lovers of the World, Unite

Chipotle Lovers of the world: the time has come. We now have a place to go, other than Chipotle, to share the glory, the goodness, the heavenliness of a tasty Chipotle item. Burrito chompers, bol eaters, taco lovers, and more - we can all come together and be accepted as equals. Yes, the day has arrived for all of us to speak out, to voice our love, to be proud and to know that we are not alone!

Chipotle Lovers, it is here: ChipotleLovers.com. Go and share your Chipotle love.

Can It Fit In My ROOS Pocket?

Please, everyone, close your eyes and imagine back to the days when you were 10 years old. Well, wait, that won't work for everyone. Open your eyes again, let's start over. Alright, now close your eyes again. Hey, don't give me that look, just do it! Yes, close your eyes and relax and think back to the late eighties. Isn't it wonderful? Remember - MTV played nothing but videos, bangs and big hair were cool (oh, hey there New Jersey. No, no. Bangs and big hair are still cool - that guy doesn't know what he's talking about), and we were all so much younger.

Well, in the late eighties I was about 10 years old. And when I was 10 years old, all I wanted was a cool pair of sneakers. Well, that's not totally true. I wanted a lot of things, like the latest transformer, or the Millenium Falcon, or no clothes for Chanukah. But what I wanted most was a cool pair of sneakers. And the coolest sneakers out there were kangaROOS. That's right, the sneakers with the handy-dandy pocket! But sadly, though I was far from deprived as a kid, I never got my ROOS.

Well, that is until today (not really today - more like a month ago)! I searched high and low, near and far, and in every friggin' sporting shoe store I could find. But I came up with nothing. And then Foot Locker.com saved me. With a few clicks and a credit card number entered, they sent me this sweet pair of kicks:

with a fresh pocket.

A pocket on a shoe? What for? Well, apparently it was originally intended to carry your keys while you ran, you know, so you don't get locked out. Genius! But now that I'm much older and wiser, I feel I don't want to limit the use of this pocket. So we're going to play a new game I invented, creatively titled, Can It Fit In My ROOS Pocket? Bear with me as I explain how it works. I find an object that might be handy to carry around in a shoe pocket and I see if it will fit. Did I lose you? I hope not because that's it. Oh, and I'll document my efforts.

So let's play Can It Fit In My ROOS Pocket?

Back Air Conditioning

Why haven't the car companies created air conditioning for our backs? It seems like something that would be quite simple to implement and a HUGE benefit for drivers and passengers.

This morning I had to load a bunch of stuff in to my car (laundry - I'm staying at my mom's this weekend and she has a washing machine that is big enough to wash more than 2 shirts and 3 socks at once, unlike my washer) and by the time I was done, I was pretty sweaty (I sweat a lot AND I'm out of shape). Well, as soon as I was done I hopped in to my car and drove to work. By the time I arrived to my office, since my back was on the seat the entire time, the back of my shirt was covered in sweat. "Ewwh! That's gross!" I know! This is why we need back air conditioners!

Who does a sweaty guy need to fuck around here to make it happen?!

First Dunkin' Donuts

The first ever Dunkin' Donuts is located at 543 Southern Artery in Quincy, Massachusetts. I was able to figure this out from a little web research and when I finally narrowed it down, I made a phone call:

Dunkin' Donuts Guy: Hello. Dunkin' Donuts
Me: Hi. Umh...this might be a silly question, but is this the first ever Dunkin' Donuts?
Dunkin' Donuts Guy: Yes ::silence::
Me: Great ::silence:: That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.

"Yes." That's all he said! I've never worked at the "first ever" anything, let alone the first ever Dunkin' Donuts. I work at a tiny non-profit, but it's not even the original office.

If I worked at the first ever Dunkin' Donuts I'd be telling everyone. I'd be screaming it everywhere I went. I'd run up to everyone and shake them while screaming, "Do you know where the first ever Dunkin' Donuts is? It's at 543 Southern Artery in Quincy, Massachusetts and I WORK THERE!" I'd say all that, while shaking them, and then I'd kiss them on the cheek, and say, "Have a good day, but be sure to stop by the first ever Dunkin' Donuts at 543 Southern Artery in Quincy, Massachusetts. And if you happen to stop by at the right time, I just might serve you because I work there!" And then I'd be off in a flash to share my message with the next person.

But alas, I don't work there. And the people that do don't seem to appreciate the enormosity of the situation. Such a shame.

Bumper-to-Bumper

Stephanie Abrams Open Letter

An Open Letter to Stephanie Abrams of The Weather Channel
Dear Stephanie,

On July 4th I was watching The Weather Channel to find out what might be in store for me before my friends and I headed out to enjoy our share of barbecue and fireworks. The normal slew of colorful maps and boring meteorologists came across my screen. But I got the information I wanted so I was satisfied. Over the years I have learned to accept boring and bland from my weather broadcasters. But now, thanks to you, I know I can expect more.

Stephanie, you came on to the screen and weather broadcasting as I knew it changed forever. Your cheery voice and bright smile brought a new light to my TV screen that I had not seen for quite some time. You informed me of the weather in such a manner that let me know you cared. I knew that you wanted me to get my weather news but you also wanted me to enjoy it.

However, I have no idea what you said because I was really distracted by your cleavage. It was unbelievable. And I'm not alone Stephanie - my roommate and his bride-to-be were also extremely distracted. It has been over 24 hours and we are still discussing your cleavage.

So if you could email me a schedule of your future appearances on The Weather Channel, that would be a big help to me and the fan club I intend to start. But I swear, no matter what I say, I really do respect you for your weather knowledge.

Sincerely,
Adam Gerard
President and Founder of the Stephanie Abrams, "Weather Channel Goddess," Fan Club.

UPDATE: The fan club is now defunct. After struggling to keep it going for 2 months I realized it was becoming more of a full time job than my actual full time job. It will be sad to no longer get the daily phone message updates from Stephanie that I was passing along to all of you and we unfortunately won't get to see a sneak preview of her Playboy photo shoot. But know that you fans out there are not alone. If there is one thing I learned from this fan club experiment it is that there are a lot of you out there and though many of you are kind of sick and perverted, most of you have a good heart and appreciate Stephanie for both her good looks AND her weather knowledge. So fans, keep the love alive and Stephanie, keep giving us the weather like nobody else can.

UPDATE 2: Just to clarify, this is all a joke. But if you would like to learn more about Ms. Abrams, The Palm Beach Post ran a great bio about her in September 2006. That contains more information about her than I could ever tell you.