Putting on a Swimming Cap

For whatever reason, I'm known by a lot of my friends as a "Swimming Cap Expert." In fact, most of my nicknames I've earned over the years are based on my supposed knowledge on the ins and outs of all thing swimming cap related:
  The Swimming Cap Don
  Swimmy McCapster
  Rubber Baby Bumper Head
  Stretch
  Rubber Head Gillooly

Because of this reputation, so many people have come to me for help on the proper way to put on a swimming cap. To make it easier for everyone, I decided to just finally document the process online.

A quick note first. You would think a swimming cap expert would have several caps at his immediate disposal. Turns out the maid tossed mine the other day. So on short notice, taking the place of a swimming cap in this demonstration will be a shower cap:

It doesn't have quite the same grip around the head that a regular swimming cap should have but it seems to do the job admirably for my purposes today.

Just remember to keep the difference between the two in mind when viewing all the visual aids below. AND DON'T GET THE TWO CONFUSED. It is very important. When swimming in a pool, you want a tight swimming cap. When taking a shower and you don't want to ruin your perm, wear a shower cap. It's a fine line that you must remember.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get started.

How to Put on a Swimming Cap

Getting the Cap Onto Your Head
With your swimming cap, you really want to get a tight fit around your head. This will keep all the water out and all your hair in. I've found the best way to do this is to stretch the cap as wide as you can, hold it over your head,

and just let go. It may take a few tries to get this right, but the rubber should snap back nice and hard, getting you a tight seal around your whole head. Be careful though because that rubber is strong and might leave you a little dazed from the initial snap

After a few tries you should have this step mastered, or at least be so numb from the repeated snaps that you won't feel anymore pain.

Keeping Your Hair Covered
If you are a female with a lot of hair, or if you're a dirty hippy who never cuts his hair, it is important to make sure you shove your full mane underneath the rubber of the cap. Just peel up the sides and do your best to get all the hair up in there.

If this step is troublesome for you, I would suggest instead just shaving all your hair off. Seriously, just do it. Because if you're gonna whine about this hair thing each time you put the cap on, I don't want to hear it. You gotta do it, so just shave it or stop your whining and shove it in there already!

Me, I solved the problem by going bald at a very young age. It may not always make the ladies swoon, but it does make putting on a swimming cap substantially easier (and as a bonus I get carded a lot less at bars).

Covering the Eyebrows
An important step that most people tend to forget is covering up the eyebrows. Why go through all that trouble of covering up your hair when you leave a set of bushy eyebrows right out there in the open?! Pointless. That's why you gotta cover them up.

Just pull the cap down as far as it will go over your forehead and brows, being sure not to cover your eyes.

I couldn't quite get my eyebrows fully covered, but the portion I did cover will help decrease my drag in the water significantly. If the cap isn't comfortable for you pulled this low, I would again suggest shaving the hair. Or shaving those really cool "stripes" in your brows to help the water flow better through the hair (both fast and stylish).

The end. That's it. Short, I know but that's really all you need to know about putting on a swimming cap. Three simple steps:
1. Snap it on
2. Get the hair in there
3. Cover your eyebrows

So now that have the swimming cap knowledge of an expert, grab your swim caps, start snappin' and jump into the pool!

But please, do me just one favor: leave your Patriotic Petal Swim Cap at home. Thank you.

Makin' Pickles

Claussen.
Vlasic.
The little pickle on the Heinz ketchup bottle.
These are all famous pickles. But do they taste good? Eh.

Until a few months ago, I'd been walking through my life one pickle at a time, occasionally tasting a good one but always knowing there had to be something better out there. "Too salty" "Too sweet" "Too limp" "Too tall" "Doesn't laugh at my jokes"

And then I tasted the Sweeney.

The crispness. The saltiness. A strong kick of spiciness. From the first bite, I knew that the zenith of pickle production had been reached. And these suckers were homemade! But one jar was all I got. I had to have more.

And finally, this last Wednesday night, Ms. Sweeney helped make my wish come true. We made a batch of pickles, starting with little cucumbers


mixing in a variety of ingredients


and jarring them


and now they sit for six weeks alone in a cabinet.

They all entered the cabinet, the runt of the cucumber litter. But on December 27, these vegetables will all emerge strong and confident, knowing they have been salted & spiced to the right proportions like a real pickle should be. They will be crisp. They will taste excellent. They will laugh at all my jokes. And then, they shall be eaten. December 27, you cannot come soon enough.