All Day I Dream About Orange

I'm obsessed with the color orange, I'm willing to admit that (not that anyone would believe me if I tried to deny it). So when I found some bright orange sneakers on sale, my heart skipped a beat and I couldn't resist.
But boy are they bright. So bright that I've noticed people looking, no, staring at my feet as they pass me. My orange shoes shuffle by and all eyes are just following their every step.

Hello, people! Eye contact, ever heard of it? My eyes are up here! Show me a little respect, please. What, am I just a nice pair of orange shoes to you?! Did you not hear about my "glorious ass" you should be staring at too? Or maybe, just maybe, you could talk to me instead of treating me like nothing more than an expertly dyed combination of leather, nylon and rubber.

This has been an epiphany. I want to apologize to all women for years of trying to secretly stare at places my line of sight should not be venturing. I realize now how disrespectful and humiliating this can be. And I promise to never stare at your chest or other various body parts again. Unless they are swathed in orange, in which case I have absolutely no control on how my eyes react.

An Even Mega-ier Lie

Whistleblowers stand up for what they know is right, even if speaking the truth could lead to threats and retaliation, and maybe even their own death. There is a long history of whistleblowers in the United States. Serpico taking on police corruption. Jeffrey Wigand taking on Big Tobacco. Sherron Watkins taking on the Smartest Guys in the Room. Jose Canseco taking on steroids in professional baseball. Linda Tripp taking on the White House intern industry. All brave. All honorable. Some more attractive than others. And some even portrayed by really cool actors in movies.

And now a new individual is sounding his whistle to reveal lies and corruption surrounding one of our nation's most sacred entities. "Soggy" is taking on M&M and the Mars family.

I've already sounded off on the mega lie that is the Mega M&M. But it seems the issues I touched don't even break the hard candy shell of lies and deceit surrounding the Mega M&M. And our friend Soggy can no longer hold the Mars secrets inside. Fearing for his life and not wanting the truth to die with him, Soggy reached out to me. His story is frightening, but it must be told. What follows are his words as left in the comments section on this website:

I am finally coming forward with this information from an undisclosed location because I am in hiding. It seems that Mars, the maker of M&Ms, has a team of assassins out to kill me to keep me from going public with the information I have about the conspiracy to release the a sub-standard "MEGA M&Ms" candy product & that Mars executives knowingly designed an M&M that's size fell far short of the "MEGA" standard.

I had a good friend who worked at the M&M factory. There was quite a buzz among the employees on the factory floor prior to the first run of the so-called "MEGA M&M." So much so that my friend confided in me his pending excitement of being appointed Quality Control Lead on the assembly line for the new "MEGA M&M's" candy product. This was a big step up the ladder for my friend & he wanted to be very diligent at making sure that this product line would be up to snuff when it came to the "MEGA" label. He continued to update me on the progress of the M&M factory's upgrade in machinery to accommodate the much larger M&M.

When the assembly line rolled out the first batch my friend rejected every single so-called "MEGA M&M" for insufficient size. He told me that he brought this problem to management & they said they were not going to ship any of the "MEGA M&Ms" from the first batch because the new machinery needed some final adjustments before the "MEGA" size could be achieved. He told me that he suspected something was up. He told me that the next few batches came out the same: bigger, but not big enough. He also learned that the sub-standard "MEGA M&M" product batch runs were being shipped to stores anyway.

One day he came over to my apartment & told me that he found out that the machines were working as designed. He also found out that Mars executives always planned to release an only slightly larger M&M under the "MEGA M&M" name to increase profits (and their salaries as well. Hhhhhhmmmmm?). He told me his intention of threating management with blowing the whistle on this sham if they didn't either remove the "MEGA" label from store shelves from the first batch runs & to increase the size of the M&M produced to meet MEGA standards.

That was the last time I saw him because the very next day he went missing... A few days later I survived an assassination attempt from those hired by Mars executives. My friend must have been broken by torture & told them that he told me the truth about the so-called "MEGA M&Ms." They came for me so this information could never reach the public ...I must continue to evade these assassins so now up to you to let others know the real story.

Soggy, wherever you may be, whether it be on this earth or now up in heaven, your story is being told. People will hear the truth about what Mars is doing and the company will not get away with this. And when their chocolaty sweet empire has come melting down, we will all remember that it was you, Soggy, that first blew the whistle and made it all possible. And then we'll all take a nap after coming down from our sugar highs.