Prompted by Steve Laniel's Top 10 list of his all time favorite films, I decided it was time to create my own favorite films list.

Adam Gerard's Top 5 Favorite Films
• Freddy vs. Jason (Yu) - What do you do with the 2 greatest scary movie characters of all time? Put them in a movie together, of course! New Line Cinema really took a risk with this film. Not every studio is brave enough to brush aside revenue just to bring meaning and passion to a mainstream audience. But New Line has a long history of never cashing out (ie. Jason X, Next Friday, Friday After Next, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, A Nightmare on Elm Street 6: Freddy's Dead - The Final Nightmare, Nightmare on Elm Street 7: Wes Craven's New Nightmare). From camp counselors with giant hooters to cheesy lines before another character is killed to gore galore, you can't really get much better than this movie.

• From Justin to Kelly (Iscove) - Similar to Freddy vs. Jason what do you do with America's two most favorite American Idols? Put them in a movie together, of course! Only this time, instead of battling to the death, have them fall in love. This movie makes me laugh, it makes me cry, and it makes me dance my little booty off.

• Anal Addicts 13 (North) - Anal Addicts 1- 3 were pure genius. Anal sex at it's finest. But it really seemed like the directors and cast members were phoning it in for the next 9 movies in the series. But Anal Addicts 13 really brings the series back to its roots. Peter North is at the helm, yet again, but he surrounds himself with an amazing cast: Anthony Hardwood, John West, Allura Eden...the list goes on. But these are some of the best ass fuckers in the business and it really shows in the movie. I'm not sure if the world will ever see a better anal sex movie.

• The Graduate (Nichols)

• Back to the Future III (Zemeckis) - Most people would claim that the third movie of any trilogy is always the weakest link. But in this case, Zemeckis didn't really hit is stride until the third movie. Absolutely brilliant!

The Krispy Kreme That Could Have Been
I was in Rockville, MD this last Tuesday on the road for work when my eyes saw one of the most beautiful sites known to man: a lit "Hot Doughnuts Now" Krispy Kreme sign. My mouth began to water, my heart started beating faster and I began to cry tears of joy. Even though I no longer live near Rockville, a real Krispy Kreme in Montgomery County just seemed like a wonderful thing. I of course stopped for doughnuts.

Hot glazed doughnuts were coming down the assembly line (oh beautiful waterall of glaze, how I love you) and one of the employees was nice enough to give me a free doughnut (I think this is policy at many Krispy Kremes - get them hooked like heroine with a hot free one and watch them come crawling back every day for more, mwaaahhhh!). This calmed me down a bit and allowed me to think straight once again. Instead of buying out the entire store of doughnuts, as was my original plan when I first saw the red light, I bought a half-dozen and a medium coffee. As the cashier was ringing me up I realized that I had been to this very shopping center less then a month ago and had not seen a Krispy Kreme. My thoughts continued and I realized that this story must be quite new, probably opening within the last 2 or 3 weeks. I took my doughnuts and quickly ate another hot glazed.

I then noticed to my right a paper that was entitled "Opening Week Festivities." Looking at the dates I realized that "opening week" had begun on Monday, December 16. It was currently Tuesday, December 17th! I had missed the opening day by JUST ONE DAY! "Awh shucks" I thought, and perused the opening day festivities. When I realized what I had missed I began to cry tears of sadness and rage. What I read looked something like this (only the bullets were actually little doughnuts):

Grand Opening Day - 5:30 a.m. on-going
• HOT LIGHT GOES ON and Doors open at 5:30 a.m.
• First lobby customer wins a year's supply of doughnuts (52 dozen)
• Next 23 lobby customers each win a dozen doughnuts a month for a year
• First 24 lobby customers each receive a Rockville Krispy Kreme jesrey shirt (#1 - #24)
• The next 100 customers each receive a limited edition Rockville Krispy Kreme T-shirt
• Rockville High School Cheerleaders will perform a Krispy Kreme cheer
• Leslie from Fancy Cakes by Leslie will be building a Krispy Kreme cake.

Ribbon Cutting Ceremony - 9 a.m.
• Local dignitaries and Krispy Kreme representatives will cut the doughnut ribbon in front of the new store to designate the official opening of the store.

Thoughts of what might have been began to rush through my head. I imagined myself driving the 30 minutes to Rockville every Monday morning to pick up my weekly dozen, wearing my Krispy Kreme limited edition jersey and chanting the Krispy Kreme cheer. But alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, I was in attendance for Uniform Day - "anyone who comes into the store wearing a uniform will receive a free doughnut or a small cup of coffee." You know what I say to that? "Whoopty friggin' doo." You can keep your free coffee (I'll take the doughnut). I want my shot at 52 dozen doughnuts and I want to hear the Krispy Kreme cheer.

If this isn't reason enough to dedicate my life to building a time machine and going back to December 16, 2003, then I don't know what is.

Finally, useful SPAM: THE ULTIMATE COLON CLEANSER! How did they know? Was it my subscription to "Colon's Illustrated?" I don't know but count me in. Let the colon cleansing begin!

**written on November 18, 2003 but not published until now**

This evening, I returned to my still unfamiliar apartment after spending a wonderful weekend in Madison, Wisconsin celebrating the birthday of one of my best friends. But a long flight and a bit of "Joe Millionaire" made me hungry with nothing to eat in the apartment but Reduced Fat Cheez-It Crackers and Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists. So I headed out to Harris Teeter to see what else I could find.

I did my shopping, found some sales, and with my little basket overflowing I headed to the express check out (15 items or less OR ELSE WE'LL CHOP OFF BOTH YOUR HANDS!). A young and fairly cute cashier named Carole was waiting for me. During the check out she gave me a few funny looks. With the confidence of the new beard behind me I began to think, "Aaah, she thinks I'm cute. Well, I don't blame her. Look at me. I'm a sexy bitch!" Right. Here was our conversation:

Carole:I know this is kind of a weird question but are you Jewish?
Me: Yeah [slightly uncomfortable smirk]
Carole: I thought so. You look Jewish
Me:[not really sure if I heard her right] What was that?
Carole: You look Jewish. I have this teacher - Mr. Goldstein - who is Jewish. You look a lot like him.
Me: Cool. Thanks? Have a good night.

I ran straight home to stare at my mirror. This isn't out of the ordinary, but this time I really inspected my face for signs of Judaism.

Do I look Jewish? Yeah, I have a big nose and I'm a fairly hairy guy but do those make me a dead ringer for a Jew? This guy has to be a Jew. These guys must visit the Kosher deli every day. This is just a shadow and I can tell the owner dreams about bagels with lox every night. But does this look like a Jewish face to you?

Seriously, I'm not sure. You tell me