Unthankfulness

Yes, it's Thanksgiving time and we're all very thankful for things like friends and family and cute dogs and lollipops and Miller High Life 6-packs being so damn cheap. But I think during this time of year we should also declare the things we are unthankful for.

So here are 10 things I am NOT thankful for on this Thanksgiving:

1. Lee Greenwood
2. Everyone who thinks "God Bless the USA" is a great song. Actually, even if you just think it's an "okay" song, I'm still unthankful for you.
   Yes, I could combine numbers 1 and 2, but I am that unthankful for both that I felt they each deserved their own slot.
3. Really terrible toilet paper. It's called Charmin Ultra, people. Look it up. They ain't kiddin' about the "Ultra" part.
4. People who eat a meal for lunch like a Big Mac, a family size bag of Doritos and an entire box of Oreos (mmm, "double stuf." And no Google, I don't mean "double stuff!) but then wash it all down with a diet soda because they don't want the extra calories. Maybe I'm not unthankful for them, just confused, but they're going on this list anyway. Madame Pepperman, my 11th grade French teacher that was addicted to Diet Mountain Dew, I'm looking directly at you here.
5. The term "Double Stuf." Oreo, why did you leave an "F" off of "Stuf?" I'm not a parent, but if I were, I would hate to have to explain that one to my child. Shame on you, Oreo!
6. People who stand on the left side of the escalator in any DC Metro station. WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT! People that live in DC complain about this so much that it's almost cliché. But that is because this is common sense. And you're not all tourists! Some of you live in the DC Metro Area and still stand on the left. How do you not hear the rest of us complaining about this? We're annoying as fuck and we're whining about you! If you listen, we'll stop our whining.
7. Not only am I unthankful for the fake Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle, but the Fractured Prune that opened up down the street has now closed. My mom has always told me that the doughnut Gods have a reason for everything, but this one has been really hard for me to deal with.
8. The color teal.
9. People who got angry with Ann Coulter for calling John Edwards a "faggot" but feel it's okay to attack his manhood by calling him a pansy. If these flowers could voice their outrage at the derogatory use of their name, there would be much more public outcry at this practice. Also, little known fact: John Edwards is a 3-time Ultimate Fighting champion. "Pansy" or "faggot?" Maybe. Could he kick your ass in a no holds barred fight to the death? Most definitely.
10. Those push button sinks in my office building bathroom. We are all adults in this building. There is a number combination on the door to keep out all the bathroom roaming ne'er-do-wells. Are you really that concerned about the tenants of the building running wild with the sinks that you have to keep us limited to about 5 seconds per push? It's impossible to wash your hands properly with these things. And not only is it unsanitary, but it's un-American. Yeah, I'm going there; if we are forced to wash our hands in 5 seconds or less, the terrorists have already won!

Are you unthankful for something as well? Tell the world in the comments!

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Festival of Shampoos

Once upon a time there was a boy with very little hair, but still enough that it required shampooing every day. Not much shampoo — just a dime-size or less drop of Pert Plus into his hand, then on his scalp, rinse and do not repeat.

The shampoo came from a green Pert Plus bottle (shampoo plus light conditioner, for fine or oily hair) that was always within reach, placed in the metal rack hung from his shower head. The bottle seemed to sit there forever, getting lighter as the weeks went by until one day the dime-size (or less) drop struggled to come out. Squeezing and shaking, the boy finally got enough to wash his hair. He placed the bottle upside down, back into the metal rack but made a note to pick up a new bottle of Pert Plus that evening (and realized then that it had been almost two years since he had last bought a bottle of shampoo).

With new bottle at the ready, the boy continued to use his upturned shampoo bottle. A surprising amount of shampoo collected near the cap thanks to the force of gravity, making it look as if the new bottle would not need to perform any washing duties for a few days, maybe even a week. "New bottle, we'll get to you eventually, don't you worry," the boy said reassuringly to the inanimate object.

And then the miracle of all miracles happened. The old standby, the shampoo bottle whose beginning days were now just a faint memory, refused to give up. Days turned into weeks, which turned into a month, which turned into a month and a few more days. Until finally, the bottle gave its all, sputtering out its last drop of bright green hair soap.

And so began Pert Plustival, the 34 day long celebration of a shampoo bottle that should have lasted just a week, but instead miraculously shampood freely for a full 30 + 4 days!

Festivities include

• The Laying of the Drops. Every morning, a drop of Pert Plus is placed along the edge of the bathroom tub for each day of Pert Plustival.
• Upturning of all plastic liquid-containing bottles. Turn upside down all of your plastic bottles in your household that contain liquids, just like the boy did with the Pert Plus bottle during The 34 Days.
• The Cutting of the Hair. All Pert Plustival participants must cut their hair very short so that only a dime-size (or less) drop of shampoo is necessary during the celebrations.

Plus, there are a lot of Pert Plus-related snacks and sporting activities.

Mark your calendars! The next Pert Plustival will begin October 13, 2008. Have your Pert Plus bottles and hair trimmers ready! Before you know it, The Festival of Shampoos will be upon us, once again.