I'm Not Going Blind!

I went to the ophthalmologist today to make sure I wasn't going blind. She said that I'm not, which is fantastic news. To celebrate, I decided to buy myself some prescription sunglasses. Look at these bad boys:


The saleswoman told me they were the new style - kind of a retro look. And look at the cardboard sides - ONE SIZE FITS ALL, baby! Plus, the flexible plastic frames grip my face making them so aerodynamic. These things are amazing.

It's okay to be jealous.

Basement? All I Wanted Was One Stinking Cowboy!

I was in San Antonio this week and I got to see The Alamo. Wanna see it?

Exciting stuff, really. But you know what amazed me the most? It's right in the center of the dang city. When I think "Alamo" I think of horses and dirt and cowboys. Maybe a little tumbleweed, maybe a few bitter Mexicans hanging around trying to reconquer The Alamo. I don't know. But what I didn't expect to see surrounding the Alamo were streets and tall buildings. They've built this city on very little rock n roll and mostly just The Alamo. Who would have thunk it? What, you don't believe me? Well, I've got pictures (click on the photos to see a larger and readable version).

When I took the picture of The Alamo above I stayed in my spot and did a 180 to take the following picture:

Not one stinking cowboy and certainly nobody in a coonskin cap.

After taking that picture, I turned a bit to my left and snapped this one:
Davie Crockett was "king of the wild frontier" not Pizza Hut and Ripley's Believe It Or Not. I stood outside of the Ripley's Museum for about 2 hours telling all visitors, "If you go inside here, Santa Anna has already won" until someone pointed out to me that Santa Anna actually did win.

So if you visit San Antonio, enjoy the Riverwalk and remember the Alamo, but don't bring your spurs or your 10 Gallon Hat because you'll stick out like a guy wearing spurs and a 10 gallon hat in the middle of the San Antonio.

Will the Whining Stop?

Let me say this first: I was pulling for the Red Sox over the Yankees and I really want to root for Boston during the World Series. But before I do, I need all of you Red Sox fans to make me a promise: If the Red Sox win the World Series then The Curse is over. No matter how many more times your team may lose to the Yankees in future playoffs, no matter how heart wrenching those losses may feel, a World Series victory this season means you can no longer blame The Curse? Okay? Do I have your word?

A letter of forgiveness to Bill Buckner might also be nice, but honestly, I'll take what I can get.

Learning to Love Lactose

I've been intolerant towards lactose for as long as I can remember. Really, it's something I learned from my parents. They grew up in a different time and being intolerant towards lactose was all they knew. But that is how they raised me: in lactose free cities, drinking lactose free milk, learning English and math in lactosely segregated classrooms. I should have been wiser, I should have known better, but I didn't. The times, however, could be a changin'!

Digestive Advantage™ LI was recently introduced into my life. One stinkin' caplet a day and supposedly I will now start loving lactose and all the dirty, rotten, no good things it does (I've still got some tolerance learning to do, as you can see). But this means I can once again enjoy big bowls of ice cream, blocks of cheese, bowls of cereal full of milk, bagels smothered in cream cheese and, the thing I've missed the most, tall glasses of chocolate milk, all with no worries of uncomfortable (and embarrassing) gas. Well, at least that's the hope. I'm on day 3 of the pills and I have yet to really put this to the test. I'm afraid. I've been so intolerant all my life. What if I open up my arms to lactose and it shuns me? I'm not sure if I can handle that.

UPDATE: I just finished a Nesquik. Wish me luck.

UPDATE 2: This stuff is fantastic. I had Mexican food several nights in a row with cheese galore and had NO gas. Digestive Advantage has possibly changed my life. I feel terrible for all the bad things I've said about lactose during my life. I'm a changed man.

Foolishly Betting Infinite Subway

I am very risk averse. Extremely risk averse. And yet for some reason I recently made a foolish Subway Bet that if I lose, I will owe someone infinite Subway. And this bet goes on for my entire life.

It all started with an innocent email discussion. I mentioned that someone came out of something "unscathed." I think I used this word several times in the email and then wondered if one would ever use the root word on it's own. But for some reason when pondering this I still used the "-ed" suffix, just without the "un-" prefix. That seemed pretty inconceivable ("You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."). But I never thought about other uses without the "un-". For example, using the word with an "-ing" ending without "un-". People use that all the time. ALL THE TIME! I could have used that word about 50 times during these presidential and VP debates.

I could have used it but I didn't because I would have lost infinite Subway. In my haste to declare a word unusable, to proclaim a piece of the English language as dead, I told my friend KT that I would owe her infinite Subway if I ever used "unscathed" without the "un-" prefix. It wasn't until after the bet was presented and accepted that we both realized just how foolish I was. So foolish.

And now I will have to wander through the rest of my living days exclusively using words such "lambasted," "blistering" and "scorching." And as much as I love the phrases, "give him the business" and "rip her a new one" I'm going to miss this one word. Goodbye, "unscathed" sans "un-". I feel like we were just getting to know each other. But we will meet again someday. I promise.