Friday, November 16, 2007

The Festival of Shampoos

The Festival of Shampoos

Once upon a time there was a boy with very little hair, but still enough that it required shampooing every day. Not much shampoo — just a dime-size or less drop of Pert Plus into his hand, then on his scalp, rinse and do not repeat.

The shampoo came from a green Pert Plus bottle (shampoo plus light conditioner, for fine or oily hair) that was always within reach, placed in the metal rack hung from his shower head. The bottle seemed to sit there forever, getting lighter as the weeks went by until one day the dime-size (or less) drop struggled to come out. Squeezing and shaking, the boy finally got enough to wash his hair. He placed the bottle upside down, back into the metal rack but made a note to pick up a new bottle of Pert Plus that evening (and realized then that it had been almost two years since he had last bought a bottle of shampoo).

With new bottle at the ready, the boy continued to use his upturned shampoo bottle. A surprising amount of shampoo collected near the cap thanks to the force of gravity, making it look as if the new bottle would not need to perform any washing duties for a few days, maybe even a week. "New bottle, we'll get to you eventually, don't you worry," the boy said reassuringly to the inanimate object.

And then the miracle of all miracles happened. The old standby, the shampoo bottle whose beginning days were now just a faint memory, refused to give up. Days turned into weeks, which turned into a month, which turned into a month and a few more days. Until finally, the bottle gave its all, sputtering out its last drop of bright green hair soap.

And so began Pert Plustival, the 34 day long celebration of a shampoo bottle that should have lasted just a week, but instead miraculously shampood freely for a full 30 + 4 days!

Festivities include
  • The Laying of the Drops. Every morning, a drop of Pert Plus is placed along the edge of the bathroom tub for each day of Pert Plustival.
  • Upturning of all plastic liquid-containing bottles. Turn upside down all of your plastic bottles in your household that contain liquids, just like the boy did with the Pert Plus bottle during The 34 Days.
  • The Cutting of the Hair. All Pert Plustival participants must cut their hair very short so that only a dime-size (or less) drop of shampoo is necessary during the celebrations.
Plus, there are a lot of Pert Plus-related snacks and sporting activities.

Mark your calendars! The next Pert Plustival will begin October 13, 2008. Have your Pert Plus bottles and hair trimmers ready! Before you know it, The Festival of Shampoos will be upon us, once again.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

Putting on a Swimming Cap

For whatever reason, I'm known by a lot of my friends as a "Swimming Cap Expert." In fact, most of my nicknames I've earned over the years are based on my supposed knowledge on the ins and outs of all thing swimming cap related:
  The Swimming Cap Don
  Swimmy McCapster
  Rubber Baby Bumper Head
  Stretch
  Rubber Head Gillooly


Because of this reputation, so many people have come to me for help on the proper way to put on a swimming cap. To make it easier for everyone, I decided to just finally document the process online.

A quick note first. You would think a swimming cap expert would have several caps at his immediate disposal. Turns out the maid tossed mine the other day. So on short notice, taking the place of a swimming cap in this demonstration will be a shower cap:
A
It doesn't have quite the same grip around the head that a regular swimming cap should have but it seems to do the job admirably for my purposes today.

Just remember to keep the difference between the two in mind when viewing all the visual aids below. AND DON'T GET THE TWO CONFUSED. It is very important. When swimming in a pool, you want a tight swimming cap. When taking a shower and you don't want to ruin your perm, wear a shower cap. It's a fine line that you must remember.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get started.

How to Put on a Swimming Cap

Getting the Cap Onto Your Head
With your swimming cap, you really want to get a tight fit around your head. This will keep all the water out and all your hair in. I've found the best way to do this is to stretch the cap as wide as you can, hold it over your head,
Getting a Tight Seal
and just let go. It may take a few tries to get this right, but the rubber should snap back nice and hard, getting you a tight seal around your whole head. Be careful though because that rubber is strong and might leave you a little dazed from the initial snap
Painful
After a few tries you should have this step mastered, or at least be so numb from the repeated snaps that you won't feel anymore pain.

Keeping Your Hair Covered
If you are a female with a lot of hair, or if you're a dirty hippy who never cuts his hair, it is important to make sure you shove your full mane underneath the rubber of the cap. Just peel up the sides and do your best to get all the hair up in there.
Securing Your Hair
If this step is troublesome for you, I would suggest instead just shaving all your hair off. Seriously, just do it. Because if you're gonna whine about this hair thing each time you put the cap on, I don't want to hear it. You gotta do it, so just shave it or stop your whining and shove it in there already!

Me, I solved the problem by going bald at a very young age. It may not always make the ladies swoon, but it does make putting on a swimming cap substantially easier (and as a bonus I get carded a lot less at bars).

Covering the Eyebrows
An important step that most people tend to forget is covering up the eyebrows. Why go through all that trouble of covering up your hair when you leave a set of bushy eyebrows right out there in the open?! Pointless. That's why you gotta cover them up.

Just pull the cap down as far as it will go over your forehead and brows, being sure not to cover your eyes.
Feel Free to Cover Your Eyebrows
I couldn't quite get my eyebrows fully covered, but the portion I did cover will help decrease my drag in the water significantly. If the cap isn't comfortable for you pulled this low, I would again suggest shaving the hair. Or shaving those really cool "stripes" in your brows to help the water flow better through the hair (both fast and stylish).

The end. That's it. Short, I know but that's really all you need to know about putting on a swimming cap. Three simple steps:
1. Snap it on
2. Get the hair in there
3. Cover your eyebrows

So now that have the swimming cap knowledge of an expert, grab your swim caps, start snappin' and jump into the pool!

But please, do me just one favor: leave your Patriotic Petal Swim Cap at home. Thank you.

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Drive-by 'Glorious Ass'-ing

I may not workout as much as I should, I may be balding and I may be developing a gut that I want to get rid of. But I'm not gonna lie — I've always had a decent to slightly above average ass. You can't bounce quarters off this thing (though maybe a penny, or dimes are pretty light) but it's perky and...anyway, it's not bad and I'm not afraid to admit it. But the niceness of my ass has never really been independently confirmed. At least not until tonight.

While walking home down Q Street in the Georgetown area a car pulled up next to me. I looked over and saw a girl pop her head out of the passenger window, look at me and shout, "glorious ass!" And just as quickly, the car drove off. I was startled at first and the only thing I could think to shout back in reply was, "Thank you!" (I may be egotistical about my ass, but I still have manners!)

But what else am I supposed to say or do in that situation? Should I have complimented them back? ("Nice lips!" "You have a nice shouting voice!") Run after them? Bent over and given them a proper show? There are so many options to a Drive-by 'Glorious Ass'-ing and and I really want to be prepared for the next one.

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