When Auto Stop Faucets Attack!

A New Day Dawns on Lotion

The lotions have survived the evening. I feel they have gained acceptance into the men's bathroom. They are officially part of the environment. Now people just need to use them.

Overnight I realized that if we were going to make real progress in the men's bathroom, if lotioning was going to become an accepted practice in a public space, things would need to be a little different than in the women's room. No fragrances, no frilly bottles, and we will need easy access so it's possible to lotion up with no one seeing you do it.

Enter Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Body Moisturizer. Look at that manly bottle, large and in charge. Fragrance free, so dudes in my office won't be walking around smelling like buttercups or lavender or other crap like that. And this stuff was first used by Norwegian fisherman! If men can moisturize in between battling man-eating sharks and angry narwhals while trying to catch fish for a living in the Arctic, then the men in my office can certainly be confident in their masculinity while they moisturize in between meetings and cups of coffee.

So now the option is there. We will all just have to wait and see if anyone uses it.

Live Blogging the Bathroom

Women's bathrooms are often different from men's. This is a fact that has recently come to my attention. And we're talking more than just that one tends to have urinals and the other does not.

For example, the couch disparity. Though not frequently, I have been told it is not surprising to find couches in women's restrooms (usually upscale or department store restrooms). As a guy, I know I have seen couches in our bathrooms, but I cannot remember the last time. In fact, it stretches my memory back so far that the last time might have been when I was a child young enough to be brought into the women's restroom with my mom.

Here at work I've learned that the entrance way to the women's restroom is carpeted. And in that entranceway there is a ledge and on that ledge are various beauty care products — moisturizers, lotions, hair sheen. In the men's room we got nothing!

Until today.

The office recently obtained two extra bottles of hand lotion that were going to be disposed of. Because I had whined about the separate but not equalness of the men's and women's restrooms in our office before, my coworkers decided I should place these lotions in the men's room. So I have done just that.

And now we sit and wait to see what happens. Will they get used? Will non-moisturizing men see the lotion and realize this is the cure to their flaky and cracked skin? Or maybe I'm underestimating the men in my building; maybe several of them already frequently moisturize and will truly appreciate the convenience of having lotions readily available for consumption in the restroom after washing their hands. However, it's also possible that these bottles will go untouched and will be thrown out by the janitorial service at the end of the day.

No matter the results, voteprime will be here all day, live-blogging the bathroom lotion activity!

• 11:05am  Two bottles of lotion have been placed on the ledge in the entranceway to the bathroom. I asked the women in our office and they told me this is where the sundries are placed in their restroom.
  
  Hmm? They seem sort of small there, almost too hard to notice. Especially since guys are not used to having the lotion option available. I almost feel I should add a sign, or a post-it.


• 12:28pm  There has been absolutely no movement on the bottles. I'm tempted to throw a sign up there. However, I don't want to jump the gun. There will be more traffic a few hours after lunch. And maybe the idea of lotion in the men's room is so foreign to a lot of these guys that it needs some time to sink in. A few trips in and out and people start to notice the bottles. Maybe later in the week when it is obvious the bottles are here to stay, a few dudes muster up the courage to moisturize. Today, a sign might be overkill. But maybe that's just what we need! I'm torn.
  
  For now, we continue to sit and wait.


• 1:13pm  Enough waiting. A sign has been added. "Feel Free to Use." Simple and clear. Plus, I realized a whole diatribe on how the women's restroom has this and I'm just trying to give us all equal opportunities would have not only been distracting, but there is no way I could have fit it all on a Post-it.
  
  I placed the note and sat down inside a stall (I had actual business to take care of). Almost immediately I heard someone walk in. I'd like to believe they paused a bit before going to a urinal. However, on his way out his footsteps were clearly aimed at leaving the restroom. There was no lotion to be had on that trip.
  
  So now more waiting.


• 1:31pm  No bathroom updates, but Voter Steve brings up a good point in the comments:
  It's certainly possible that the lotion goes unused because the guys fear that it's used, and/or because they're worried that people haven't given their hands a good washing before using it.
  This is an excellent point. Maybe I should add a bottle of hand sanitizer to the mix just to reassure everybody that this lotion operation is on the up-and-up.
  
  I bet the women's restroom already has hand sanitizer.


• 2:35pm   The lotions in the men's room have still not moved. Before you get discouraged, Voter LoLo has some encouraging words:
  I think it might take a few days to get the men used to the lotion idea. You're sort of working against decades of culturally ingrained behavior that women are programmed with...men need time to learn to pamper themselves in the bathroom and to go in groups. Give it a day or two and I'm sure it will happen.
  To think this simple act of bringing lotions into the men's room could make such a huge change in our society.
  
  A female Voter wanted to know more information about the popularity of these women's amenities. Yes, they are there, but do they get used? Two female coworkers were very helpful with the information (while another laughed at me from a distance).
  
  First, my coworkers think that these lotions and other items are provided by other women in the building, not by the building management itself. Second, they definitely see the lotions moving around so it seems they are getting used. Bottles get finished and are disposed of but they have yet to see a repeat bottle; once it's gone, it's gone. And third, some are definitely more popular than others. I was so inquisitive that one coworker went and grabbed all the lotions in their bathroom. The Victoria's Secret lotion and the Mango Jojoba lotion were both full when they were first brought to the bathroom and as you can see, they are both nearing the bottom of the bottle. The other two bottles seem to not get used much at all.
  
  Also, most of the women don't notice the carpet in the entrance way to their bathroom. Oh, what I would give for a luxury like carpet in the newly designated lotioning area of my men's room!


• 3:26pm  Still no movement whatsoever on the lotions in the men's room. This trip to the bathroom I actually picked them up and moved them around a bit, hoping it might look to others as if someone had used them.


• 5:01pm  The bottles have been moved! In my previous trip I kind of scattered them a bit and when I returned this time they were very neatly put back next to each other, once again against the wall.
  
  Someone might have used them! Or maybe the cleaning crew just tidied things up (they do clean during the day too). Sadly, we just don't know. We will just have to watch the lotion in the bottles and see if any disappears. They still look pretty full.

And that just about does it for today. I think I've live-blogged the heck out of two bottles of lotion. But I think we can agree that this was a necessary public service for all the bathroom-going men in the world.

Did we accomplish anything? That's a tough question to answer today. Only time will tell, really. Someday maybe all bathrooms will be equal and historians will look back on this post as the watershed moment. "I have a dream..."

Look for new posts down the road as the tale of the bottles progresses.

Unthankfulness

Yes, it's Thanksgiving time and we're all very thankful for things like friends and family and cute dogs and lollipops and Miller High Life 6-packs being so damn cheap. But I think during this time of year we should also declare the things we are unthankful for.

So here are 10 things I am NOT thankful for on this Thanksgiving:

1. Lee Greenwood
2. Everyone who thinks "God Bless the USA" is a great song. Actually, even if you just think it's an "okay" song, I'm still unthankful for you.
   Yes, I could combine numbers 1 and 2, but I am that unthankful for both that I felt they each deserved their own slot.
3. Really terrible toilet paper. It's called Charmin Ultra, people. Look it up. They ain't kiddin' about the "Ultra" part.
4. People who eat a meal for lunch like a Big Mac, a family size bag of Doritos and an entire box of Oreos (mmm, "double stuf." And no Google, I don't mean "double stuff!) but then wash it all down with a diet soda because they don't want the extra calories. Maybe I'm not unthankful for them, just confused, but they're going on this list anyway. Madame Pepperman, my 11th grade French teacher that was addicted to Diet Mountain Dew, I'm looking directly at you here.
5. The term "Double Stuf." Oreo, why did you leave an "F" off of "Stuf?" I'm not a parent, but if I were, I would hate to have to explain that one to my child. Shame on you, Oreo!
6. People who stand on the left side of the escalator in any DC Metro station. WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT! People that live in DC complain about this so much that it's almost cliché. But that is because this is common sense. And you're not all tourists! Some of you live in the DC Metro Area and still stand on the left. How do you not hear the rest of us complaining about this? We're annoying as fuck and we're whining about you! If you listen, we'll stop our whining.
7. Not only am I unthankful for the fake Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle, but the Fractured Prune that opened up down the street has now closed. My mom has always told me that the doughnut Gods have a reason for everything, but this one has been really hard for me to deal with.
8. The color teal.
9. People who got angry with Ann Coulter for calling John Edwards a "faggot" but feel it's okay to attack his manhood by calling him a pansy. If these flowers could voice their outrage at the derogatory use of their name, there would be much more public outcry at this practice. Also, little known fact: John Edwards is a 3-time Ultimate Fighting champion. "Pansy" or "faggot?" Maybe. Could he kick your ass in a no holds barred fight to the death? Most definitely.
10. Those push button sinks in my office building bathroom. We are all adults in this building. There is a number combination on the door to keep out all the bathroom roaming ne'er-do-wells. Are you really that concerned about the tenants of the building running wild with the sinks that you have to keep us limited to about 5 seconds per push? It's impossible to wash your hands properly with these things. And not only is it unsanitary, but it's un-American. Yeah, I'm going there; if we are forced to wash our hands in 5 seconds or less, the terrorists have already won!

Are you unthankful for something as well? Tell the world in the comments!

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Festival of Shampoos

Once upon a time there was a boy with very little hair, but still enough that it required shampooing every day. Not much shampoo — just a dime-size or less drop of Pert Plus into his hand, then on his scalp, rinse and do not repeat.

The shampoo came from a green Pert Plus bottle (shampoo plus light conditioner, for fine or oily hair) that was always within reach, placed in the metal rack hung from his shower head. The bottle seemed to sit there forever, getting lighter as the weeks went by until one day the dime-size (or less) drop struggled to come out. Squeezing and shaking, the boy finally got enough to wash his hair. He placed the bottle upside down, back into the metal rack but made a note to pick up a new bottle of Pert Plus that evening (and realized then that it had been almost two years since he had last bought a bottle of shampoo).

With new bottle at the ready, the boy continued to use his upturned shampoo bottle. A surprising amount of shampoo collected near the cap thanks to the force of gravity, making it look as if the new bottle would not need to perform any washing duties for a few days, maybe even a week. "New bottle, we'll get to you eventually, don't you worry," the boy said reassuringly to the inanimate object.

And then the miracle of all miracles happened. The old standby, the shampoo bottle whose beginning days were now just a faint memory, refused to give up. Days turned into weeks, which turned into a month, which turned into a month and a few more days. Until finally, the bottle gave its all, sputtering out its last drop of bright green hair soap.

And so began Pert Plustival, the 34 day long celebration of a shampoo bottle that should have lasted just a week, but instead miraculously shampood freely for a full 30 + 4 days!

Festivities include

• The Laying of the Drops. Every morning, a drop of Pert Plus is placed along the edge of the bathroom tub for each day of Pert Plustival.
• Upturning of all plastic liquid-containing bottles. Turn upside down all of your plastic bottles in your household that contain liquids, just like the boy did with the Pert Plus bottle during The 34 Days.
• The Cutting of the Hair. All Pert Plustival participants must cut their hair very short so that only a dime-size (or less) drop of shampoo is necessary during the celebrations.

Plus, there are a lot of Pert Plus-related snacks and sporting activities.

Mark your calendars! The next Pert Plustival will begin October 13, 2008. Have your Pert Plus bottles and hair trimmers ready! Before you know it, The Festival of Shampoos will be upon us, once again.

I Don't Want to Know All the Crazy Things You People With Hair Do (heh, I said "hairdo")

That's a comb in a stall of the men's bathroom at work.

Combing your hair while on the can? It's been awhile since I've even owned a hair-taming product of any sort. Is this something you haired people commonly do behind closed stall doors?

I Love You, But I Hate You Too

I want to meet the man responsible for this handiwork; this complete dedication to toilet seat coverage when going #2. I've been preaching this sort of thing since high school. It's step 2 to the 5 Step Process! But this guy takes the coverage to a level beyond what I've ever even imagined. Look at that total coverage, not a speck of seat peeping through. His ass is well protected, as it should be.

He and I may be twin shitting souls, separated at birth.

Unfortunately, when we were separated at birth my mom taught me cleanliness and respect of others while he, I can only assume, was raised by monkeys. Where is the common courtesy of cleaning up after yourself for the next guy? Have you no decency, oh kindred spirit?! Flush! Flush the TP away when you're done! And stick around to make sure it all goes down to flush again if necessary!

::takes a breath:: I'm sorry. My emotions are getting the best of me. I should give Seat Protector the benefit of the doubt. He must just be very proud of his TP seat layering technique (and I certainly don't blame him). Maybe he is leaving his artistry behind to brag anonymously. Or better yet, maybe he's trying to educate the lost souls of the world who are shitting with bare ass on seat. A noble cause, but the execution is flawed. Impeccable hygiene is being confused for a complete lack thereof. Without proper guidance (a simple instruction manual left behind alongside the TP covering, perhaps), his efforts will reach nobody. Poor shitting technique will still be practiced across the world and I'll be left to clean up the perforated cotton mess.

No sir, I don't like it. Clean up after yourself! Stop giving proper TP seat protection a bad name! And for gosh darn sake, flush everything down when you're done!

Mrs. Peacock or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Use the Bathroom

You're out with some friends at a restaurant. You walk to the bathroom and are faced with two doors, one for the men's room and the other for the women's. But instead of being clearly labeled as such, you see the following pictures on the doors:

Door #1:


Door #2:


Which do you go in?

"Hmm? Feathers are sort of feminine, that must be the female peacock. Wait wait wait, doesn't the male want to attract the female with the feathers? Hold up, are these even peacocks? Oh man, I wish I'd done that zoology minor in college 'cause I really gotta pee right now."

No! This is not how going to the bathroom should work. I should not have to be familiar with the mating rituals of the peacock to pick the right restroom. There should be no entrance exam! (though providing reading material via a handy peacock quiz inside the bathroom would be perfectly acceptable) These photos (actual signs on the bathroom doors at The Helmand in Baltimore) had me so confused that I ended up going in the wrong door. Luckily it was an individual bathroom, but maybe next time I won't be so lucky.

Restaurant owners of the world, listen to me: KEEP THE BATHROOM LABELS SIMPLE! There is nothing wrong with using an M or a W to label the door. A stick figure of sorts has never done anyone harm. And if you want to get creative, please be sure to add a clearly identifying label as well. Because what might seem obvious to you, might not be so clear to everyone else.

I Will Never Wash My Hands Again

Well, I may have won the battle, but it seems I lost the war. The magical, non-stop faucet, is now back to faithfully performing it's automatic shutoff duties.

And really, I can't blame anyone for this because it is out of our collective controls. Sure, the maintenance man probably fixed it after someone turned in the faulty faucet for being "broken." But really, like all things that happen to me in the bathroom, this was clearly divine intervention. God felt it was necessary to bring this magical faucet into my life and now, for whatever reason, has felt the need to take it away. Maybe washing my hands was no longer the tedious yet life affirming task it was meant to be. Maybe this was His way of teaching me that I can't take the good things in life for granted. Or He could be punishing me for snickering last week when that guy in the stall next to me let a loud one fly (but God, he laughed too! I was laughing with him, not at him!).

Whatever the reason, I know there is a lesson to be learned. And it makes me feel at ease to know that God is next to me when I'm shitting and is guiding me when I'm washing my hands. And I am aware of the honor this comes with, but also the burden. Every courtesy flush suddenly carries so much weight, as it is no longer solely benefiting my stall neighbor, but also our Lord and Savior.

God Bless. Amen. L'Chaim and all that.

Post-Its Should Not Be Allowed in Bathrooms

In my office building bathroom we have those automatic stop faucets. You know, the ones where you push the knob down and after about five seconds the water stops, leaving your hands still soapy and you have to repeat the process about five more times before you actually get your hands clean? Man, I love 'em!

But early on I discovered a bathroom miracle. The hot water knob on one of the sinks gets stuck when you push it and stays on until you actually pull up on the knob to turn it off. It's a blessing from the heavens.

Yes, technically the faucet is "broken." And the other building residents seem to be focused on this fact, rather than what this broken faucet can offer us. One day I walked in to the bathroom and saw a note scrawled on a paper towel and stuck over the "broken" faucet stating that the knob was out of order. I threw the paper towel away and took my time washing my hands. Another day I was...uh...sitting down in the bathroom, and I heard two people walk in and carry on a conversation about how maintenance really needed to be notified about this broken faucet.

Those fools! Ask not what you can do for the broken faucet, but what the broken faucet can do for you!

Well, Friday afternoon this reached the breaking point. I walked into the bathroom and found a post-it note stuck on the mirror just above the infamous sink (what is it with Post-its in bathrooms anyway?):

"Note: This hot water push button sticks. Please pull up to shut off (can someone notify maint?)"

Yes, everyone must know about this faucet. I'm with ya man! Let everyone enjoy the good fortunes the bathroom gods have brought us. But wait, did you say something about notifying maintenance? What's that all about? They'll take the faucet away from us all in the name of "fixing" it. No, I couldn't let that happen.

I almost threw the note away. And then I realized that this was my chance to have my voice heard! So I left a note of my own in response

"No! Don't fix it. Don't you see that this broken faucet is a blessing? Who wants to use the automatic stop ones anyway?!"

I walked away beaming with pride. I will be heard. People will read my note and minds will be changed. Who does want to use the automatic stop ones? What an excellent question.

And then the greatest thing in the history of the world happened: I got a response. A third note appeared on the mirror above the sink.

"Yeah, and why should we, who are disciplined enough to shut faucets after use, be inconvenienced by those who do not shut off faucets."

Yeah! Hit 'em below the belt. Those "undisciplined" idiots! It seems we have you outnumbered! Victory will be ours.

And that seems to remain the case now. As of today (Monday), the notes are all gone and the sink is still "broken." My people have won the first battle. But will we win the war? Only time will tell.

Hello Post-it

"What's that? Is that...a Post-it Note? In...in a bathroom?"

Yes. Yes it is. The fifth floor bathroom in my office building, to be more exact. I discovered it today when I was, well, you can imagine what I was doing. But I know what you're probaby thinking right now because I wondered the same thing when I snapped this picture. "What is a Post-it Note doing in a bathroom? Who would even bring a Post-it Note into a bathroom?"

There are many possible explanations, I suppose. Maybe it's a color sample for the new color the building manager will be painting the bathrooms. It could be a way to encourage graffiti without actually harming the stall wall. This could be 3M, makers of the Post-it Note, venturing into the toilet paper industry. I'm just not sure.

So I asked


As of 5pm on Friday 9:10am on Monday, I had not received an answer. I'll keep you (wait for it) posted.

UPDATE: As of noon on Tuesday, the post-it note has disappeared. I'm surprised it made it this long. However, I have received no answer my to question.