A Moment With Krispy Kreme

Fellow Voters, I need a moment alone with Krispy Kreme, if you wouldn't mind. Feel free to avert your eyes, step out of the room, whatever you need to do. Krispy Kreme and I need to have a conversation just the two of us.

Krispy Kreme, I love you. You know I do. Which is why I've decided to be honest with you. I cheated yesterday. Right in your own back yard. And I loved every second of it.

Baby, don't get that look on your face. We've talked about this. A few times. And yes, it's that new store in town you were all worried about, The Fractured Prune. When you asked, I said I didn't care about her donuts (she calls them "donuts" by the way, not "doughnuts." I know how you hate that). I said I prefer your hot glaze over her hand-dipped. "All those toppings and crazy 'specialties' are just for show. No one can match your basic hot glazed, baby!"

But from the moment I walked in to her store, I knew this was going to be special. All the glazes ready for dipping. All the toppings in a row. And when they yelled, "first timer!" and handed me an O.C. Sand (honey glaze, cinnamon sugar), I felt so special. Like they wanted me there.

I ordered the Reese Cup (peanut butter glaze, mini chocolate chips) and my friend ordered the Peppermint Patty® (mint glaze, mini chocolate chips). And let me tell you, they were wondrous. The Fractured Prune, she makes the donuts fresh and tops them after you order. So the donut is still hot and the frosting is still oozing when it arrives at your table. But really, it's the donut that is so special. It is baked (in the store) to be crispy on the outside but soft, warm and a bit cake-like inside. And so moist.

Krispy Kreme, I think we can work this out. We've been together far too long to just give up on us now. But you've gotta be real with me. No more fake doughnuts and pretend hot glazing. And until you can promise me that, I think it's best that we see other people, at least when we're in Dupont Circle.

Trying to Keep an Open Mind

I've been trying to keep an open mind about the new Krispy Kreme that just opened up in Dupont. A couple people have told me that the doughnuts, just after being hot glazed, aren't that bad. While still not all that excited I do feel I have to try the doughnuts before I totally blast them forever (however, I still have major objections to this store even existing or being referred to as a normal Krispy Kreme. What's wrong with calling stores like this, or the displays in the grocery store, "Krispy Kreme Express" or something to denote a difference from your classic store? I feel that these stores and grocery store displays are hurting the Krispy Kreme image in the long run).

So last night, while in Dupont, I hoped to end the evening on a doughnut note. The "hot doughnuts now" red light wasn't on, which made me even less excited, but I was still going to give it a whirl because someone else was buying. So I got up to the counter to order my doughnut:
Me: Can I get a hot glazed doughnut?
KK Guy: umh...
Me:: Oh, sorry, (thinking he was flustered by the "hot" specification) just a regular glazed is fine.
KK Guy: We don't even have any regular glazed left. We're all out.
Me: ::sound of me dying inside::

How can a real Krispy Kreme store run out of doughnuts? Couldn't you just bake some more? Oh, that's right, they don't bake them on the premises so running out is pretty easy.

This store is a travisty, a sham and a mockery. ::wait for it:: It's a travishamockery.

The Krispy Kreme That Isn't

I think we can all agree that the greatest experience in the world is eating a hot Krispy Kreme doughnut coming right off the assembly line. That's right, it is the greatest thing in the world (#2 and #3 on that list, respectively, are a eating a Chipotle burrito and blowing your nose using Puffs Plus tissues with Lotion. #4 is sex).

THE EXPERIENCE: You see the "hot doughnuts now" red light on. So you rush in and stand on the other side of the glass, watching the doughnuts ride down the conveyor belt and underneath the waterfall of icing. And then a friendly Krispy Kreme employee snatches a doughnut up and hands it to you, so hot, so fresh. You eat it and the world stops. The doughnut melts in your mouth - MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH - and you realize you don't want the world to start back up again. All you want is for that friendly employee to stand over your open mouth and continually drop hot, fresh doughnuts inside it. And that is why visiting a Krispy Kreme when the doughnuts are coming off the line is more than just a doughnut run, it is an experience.

The beauty of this experience is why I feel so frustrated when I hear people talking bad about Krispy Kreme. 90% of the time the naysayers are people who have never experienced a hot Krispy Kreme doughnut; never felt the warmth of the doughnut against their lips and felt the dough and icing ooze down your throat. Instead, they've seen the displays at their local supermarket or gas station and thought that this was a true Krispy Kreme doughnut. These people are under the impression that the sketchy looking, stale doughnut with the chipped icing is Krispy Kreme.

I tell you all of this to explain why I have issues with the new Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle in Washington, DC. This new store opened on Tuesday morning to a throng of eager customers desperate for a fresh doughnut. Only you can't get fresh doughnuts off the assembly line at Dupont Circle because even at the new store they don't bake their own doughnuts. No, Krispy Kreme is trying this new idea of baking the doughnuts elsewhere (Alexandria, VA in this case), trucking them to the store and then hot-glazing them. That just seems wrong to me, almost like a glorified Krispy Kreme display at the grocery store. And even if the taste isn't so bad (though I can't imagine it's even close to the real thing) you're not getting the full experience of a real store. Yet everything looks like a real store: you've got the neon red sign, displays of doughnuts behind the glass counter, Krispy Kreme paper hats, coffee and more. But there is no assembly line of doughnuts and I think that is the most important part.

I will wait until I've been inside the store and tried the doughnuts before I pass judgement, but this does not sit well with me. No sir, I don't like it.

The Krispy Kreme That Could Have Been
I was in Rockville, MD this last Tuesday on the road for work when my eyes saw one of the most beautiful sites known to man: a lit "Hot Doughnuts Now" Krispy Kreme sign. My mouth began to water, my heart started beating faster and I began to cry tears of joy. Even though I no longer live near Rockville, a real Krispy Kreme in Montgomery County just seemed like a wonderful thing. I of course stopped for doughnuts.

Hot glazed doughnuts were coming down the assembly line (oh beautiful waterall of glaze, how I love you) and one of the employees was nice enough to give me a free doughnut (I think this is policy at many Krispy Kremes - get them hooked like heroine with a hot free one and watch them come crawling back every day for more, mwaaahhhh!). This calmed me down a bit and allowed me to think straight once again. Instead of buying out the entire store of doughnuts, as was my original plan when I first saw the red light, I bought a half-dozen and a medium coffee. As the cashier was ringing me up I realized that I had been to this very shopping center less then a month ago and had not seen a Krispy Kreme. My thoughts continued and I realized that this story must be quite new, probably opening within the last 2 or 3 weeks. I took my doughnuts and quickly ate another hot glazed.

I then noticed to my right a paper that was entitled "Opening Week Festivities." Looking at the dates I realized that "opening week" had begun on Monday, December 16. It was currently Tuesday, December 17th! I had missed the opening day by JUST ONE DAY! "Awh shucks" I thought, and perused the opening day festivities. When I realized what I had missed I began to cry tears of sadness and rage. What I read looked something like this (only the bullets were actually little doughnuts):

Grand Opening Day - 5:30 a.m. on-going
• HOT LIGHT GOES ON and Doors open at 5:30 a.m.
• First lobby customer wins a year's supply of doughnuts (52 dozen)
• Next 23 lobby customers each win a dozen doughnuts a month for a year
• First 24 lobby customers each receive a Rockville Krispy Kreme jesrey shirt (#1 - #24)
• The next 100 customers each receive a limited edition Rockville Krispy Kreme T-shirt
• Rockville High School Cheerleaders will perform a Krispy Kreme cheer
• Leslie from Fancy Cakes by Leslie will be building a Krispy Kreme cake.

Ribbon Cutting Ceremony - 9 a.m.
• Local dignitaries and Krispy Kreme representatives will cut the doughnut ribbon in front of the new store to designate the official opening of the store.

Thoughts of what might have been began to rush through my head. I imagined myself driving the 30 minutes to Rockville every Monday morning to pick up my weekly dozen, wearing my Krispy Kreme limited edition jersey and chanting the Krispy Kreme cheer. But alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, I was in attendance for Uniform Day - "anyone who comes into the store wearing a uniform will receive a free doughnut or a small cup of coffee." You know what I say to that? "Whoopty friggin' doo." You can keep your free coffee (I'll take the doughnut). I want my shot at 52 dozen doughnuts and I want to hear the Krispy Kreme cheer.

If this isn't reason enough to dedicate my life to building a time machine and going back to December 16, 2003, then I don't know what is.